The life of a Persimmon Tree

Its one of those days where I wake up wondering "Eh, whats the meaning of life, really?". You know, one of those days where you feel reluctant to wake up and just feel like you'd like to spend the rest of the day in bed. Yet you know at the edge of your mind, you have so many things that deserve your attention, so many things to do, so many things to accomplish.

So I dragged my lazy ass from the bed and trudged to the kitchen to start my daily mundane routine. While nursing a cup of coffee in the palm of my hand, the persimmon tree waving its branches in the wind suddenly caught my attention. It was a sunny day out, with a beautiful blue sky. And the persimmon tree was filled with green, fresh leaves once again. It's spring.

And so that is how I suddenly got inspired by the persimmon tree in my backyard (a few minutes spent in quiet contemplation actually does give you inspiration! lol)

Does it matter to the persimmon tree that only a few days ago, it was hailing and raging winds? It does not matter the season or the finite passing of the weird weather that Melbourne throws its way. All the persimmon tree does is sit there, as though in quiet meditation, and steadily bring forth its meaning to life.

It weathers through the four seasons, and eventually bringing fruit each season. It's always on time. It makes its meaning of life. The life of a persimmon tree. Lol.

Conclusion? To constantly find the meaning of life is too trivial and too paltriest, hence, I reckon one should actively MAKE the meaning of life.

We always tend to ask people around us, or ponder on the meaning of life. And we seem to SEEK the meaning of life, its as if the real meaning of life is something tangible, that we can find, like some lost treasure waiting to be found.

But the fact is, life's meaning is waiting to be made.

Delightful church songs

Went to church yesterday with Wifeysue. It has been almost a year since I've been without hearing one of Pastor Julie's sermons. As usual, she delivered her sessions with as much as vitality and zest as always. I missed this feeling.

And I miss singing to my favourite songs and hymns in church. So when the Church ended with Hosanna... it struck such a reminiscent chord in me. I ended up karaoke-ing along with it via YouTube...! My all time favourite songs to sing in Church - Hosanna and I Give You My Heart by Hillsong. =)

My favourite chorus from this song?

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me

Break my heart from what breaks yours
Everything I am for your kingdoms cause
As I go from nothing to
Eternity

And my favourite Chorus from this one?

Lord I give You my heart

I give You my soul

I live for You alone

Every breath that I take

Every moment I'm awake

Lord have Your way in me

This is my desire, to honour You

Lord with all my heart I worship You

all I have within me

I give You praise

all that I adore is in You

Yup... I can sing this over and over again and again on my own. Heheheh.

Happy rainy Sunday, people!

Ushering the Year of the Rabbit 2011!

I felt like such a busy bee flitting about. A thousand and one things on my list to do in preparation towards my goal for 2011! And now I have the satisfaction of crossing them off the list! Ahh... the feeling of minor accomplishments! 2011 is a good year, I've got a feeling about that, allrite!

My new year's resolution is split into two categories this year (since I am a double Masters mah... or soon to be lah anyway, must kiasu abit kan! hohoho)

Tangible Goals

To be financially independent by the end of year 2011...!

Non Tangible Goals

To be able to let go of things that I cannot control while living in contentment with what I already have.

And a wonderful quote popped up in my inbox today (compliments of the daily inspirational quotes) to supplement the non-tangible goal.

"We cannot change our past. We can not change the fact that people act in a certain way. We can not change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude." - Charles Swindoll

Cheers to full blast positivity of 2011! Doesn't sound like too much does it? Fingers crossed that I'd achieve what I set out to do at the end of 2011!

And wishing the rest of you (Godknowswhoevenreadsthisblog) a wonderful new year of the Rabbit filled with blessings of joy and laughter.... and answered prayers!

Have an awesome Chinese New Year, folks! ;)

My Picture Perfect Family

If there is anything successful in my life so far, I'd have to say its the luck of being borne into this family of mine. I have always known that I was lucky but I guess it takes certain amount of experience achieved in life to truly appreciate the blessing at its fullest.

And here I am at the dawn of 25 years of age, an aunt of four - I fully see how blessed I am. (Or since I have always known I was blessed, should i say, I finally noticed the extent of the blessing?)

Having touched down in Malaysia since Melbourne, my parents have been nothing but parental.

I have never really thought of the exact word to describe my parents. So i googled them. A parent (from Latin: parēns = parent) is a caretaker of the offspring in their own species.

But my parents are so much more than just my caretaker. Mom went to

extreme lengths to cook my favourite dishes, use her personal money to buy me everything and literally almost anything that I could possibly want.

Dad anxiously drove me to all the necessary places to get my own stuff organized for my return to Melby. He even woke up at 5.30am when I told him I wanted to leave the house at 7.15am. Hahah, thats my dad for you.

Ah, but my parents.... If i were to blog about how great they were, people usually would roll their eyes and say "Ah its only natural that every kid would always think that their parents are the best", well they are certainly not wrong. But then again...I am no longer a 6 year old who worships her dad and thinks that he is a superhero who can do no wrong. Neither am I a clingy child who needs her mommy's approval at every step (eh...funnily enough, maybe I still do). But thats besides the point.

Nearing the age of twenty five - I can very visibly see the flaws of my parents. Mommy's lack of knowledge in the scientific world (makes her ridiculously cute though) but horribly attached to old wives tales. Mommy's extreme lack of patience in certain things. Mommy's naive and almost childlike demeanors which can pose as a very annoying factor whenever she demands something to be done from you. Daddy's ridiculous abidance to his golden principles of life (which may not be the solution to every problem but to him, its the solution). Daddy's weird mood swings from time to time. Daddy's cut and dried mould of ways to do things and how-things-should-always-be-done.

No, my parents are not perfect and they are flawed, at times horribly so! But incredibly enough, I now can see their flaws and think how cute they are because in my eyes, I only see a perfect pair of parents. Because in their weird ways of being different yet so alike at the same time has taught me many valuable lessons in life.

When I think back in time, I used to be a little girl who adored her parents. And then i moved to a stage of being a teenager who adored them just a little less because they were just-so-naggy.... and I became older and thought hey my parents are just so damn cool because they don't confine me conventional rules as my other counterparts had to live through. And here I am. I think I adore them even more than I ever used to be, back when I was a little girl. I am surprised because when I reflect upon my life, I doubt I have ever transited through a rebellious stage as my peers have told me about.

Daddy was my #1 hero and he still is. Mommy would always be the person I'd have to run to from catfights to determining if a pair of jeans I tried in the dressing room made me look fat.

But no, this is not the point where I finally noticed the extent of my blessing.

Having arrived at Singapore, the sisters spring cleaned the house in anticipation. Eagerly stuffed money into my hands so I can spend it at my heart's desire, cooked my favourite dishes and bought me to fulfill every whim I wanted from Singapore. (yes, I have always been pampered at home)

But no, that was not the point where I felt truly blessed, either.

Where I felt truly blessed lies in a very simple conversation I had with my niece, Megan.

It was late at night, nearly 9 oclock, her bed time. My sis was putting Ivan to bed and there was no bread at home for their breakfast tomorrow morning.

Bro-in law was in Cambodia for business. So that leaves me and my darling Megan. My sis entrusted her with a few coins and ushered us out to buy bread for the next day. Although I was taking her hands in mine, for the very first time, I was following Megan and depending on her to bring me where it was required for us to buy bread.

For the very first time too, she told me to watch my step because of a broken plank while crossing the road. She bought me to the place that sold bread. And for the very first time in my life, I bought bread from a bread-vending machine. LOL! For the very first time, she counted the coins in her hands and showed them to me. "$1.90 cents, yeechai. Check if i am right" she said.

I counted them. And of course she was right. Her maths is probably better than mine! LoL. I saw her put the coins into the machine but it was ridiculous but i felt such a sense of pride because I was looking at her. Growing more and more into a lanky teenager, wearing her geeky spectacles and outgrowing her milk teeth into gruesome buckteeth! - but I also saw the cute baby and toddler that she was. My precious baby niece is really growing up. I missed so much in between by just being gone for a year. And now I returned to find her reading like a speed demon, writing short stories of her own and drawing beautiful pictures, swimming without floats, rollerblading and ice skating and playing the piano. My goodness, my niece is so accomplished in comparison to me!

But no, this is not the point where I felt the extent of my blessing.

The part came when she pushed the numbers for the loaf of white bread. And I took the loaf from her hands and said "Lets go". She stopped and stared at the machine, pointing to a chocolate bun. I told her "Well if you have enough coins, you may buy one" thinking that she wanted it. She counted the remainder of the coins in her hands and told me "Yes i do, its just 70cents, what."

So i told her, thinking like a dutiful aunt "But you can only eat this tomorrow for breakfast, allright?"

She told me, "Oh no, its not for me... It's for Ivan. He loves this chocolate bun!"

And that, that was the pinnacle where I felt the extent of my blessing.

"For Ivan?" I asked. "What about you? Don't you want one too?"

"No, I don't need one. Ivan loves it, though." was her reply.

For all the things that I've ever done, to be there having that conversation with her, was actually the point where I felt the full extent of my blessing. Megan was not a baby anymore, shes grown up and whats more, shes grown into a loving and caring sister. Someone that I'd expect to be growing up from the care of my own sister. And she certainly did not disappoint me.

I went back and the next morning while the kids were at school, I relayed the conversation to my sister. Small as it was an event, it made me feel like the happiest aunt on earth. I don't know why, but i was ridiculously proud. And my sis actually relayed a better story to me. She told me that once Megan was invited to a glam birthday party of one of her school friends. And at the party, each child could make a teddy bear (Yes, its those expensive teddies that you get to custom make) and take home with them as a souvenir! Instead of making a teddy for herself, she made a custom made karate-teddy bear for her brother.

Whatever it is in my life? I'm surely a blessed person to be gifted with such a family. I truly felt the extent of my blessing because now i can fully see the reaches of my family. From the love that came from my parents, I see it flowing to their children. To my sisters, and to me.

And I see that same love, nurturing us into the people that we are. And from that same stem, I see the same love nurturing my nieces and nephews. And I finally saw the first blooms of that love, reflected in my 8 year old niece for her brother.

What I ever did to deserve this family, I will never know.

But the Lord knows that I could never find a more wholesome, picture perfect family.

Finding acceptance in the face of incomprehensibilities

Life can be unnecessarily cruel when it comes to dealing its cards. Sometimes it gets me wondering if there is really a God after all, if there is always so much negative emotions circulating the atmosphere. I mean, just look at this world that we live in. Countries such as Iraq and Afghanistan still suffering from the effects of war. What about the after effects of war such as the affected descendants of the Agent Orange chemical used in Vietnam? Naturally occurring disasters such as the current flood in Queensland affecting the lives of so many innocent critters and even people.

From the more epic news that make the headlines of newspapers to the smaller, but equally humane issues that we face everyday on an individual scale. What about that fight that you had with your family members/bestfriend/significant other? Colleagues giving you a bad time? Feeling inferior/ belittled/ used/ jealousy/anger? But as what they say, if the Devil is real, then God must be real too - aptly quoted from the movie Devil by M. Night Shyamalan.

While I'm at it - let me throw in a mini review of a current movie that I have soaked in with my parents recently. Now I may not have been Shyamalan's greatest fan, but I found this movie rather riveting. It comes in a simple plot with everything tying in at the end of the movie. Most interestingly, it has managed to make me hold my breath while most of the movie was shot within an elevator shaft! So do watch it if you get the chance.

Before I further digress from the initial intent of my post, I was trying to point out that there are many incomprehensible occurrences in life that bothers me, deeply. At this stage of life, it is appalling to find that I still do not understand quite an array of simple life skills that are expected of me. For example, I still do not fully comprehend why my first relationship ended the way it did. And I have no means of escaping the whirlwind of implications that comes along with it and still haunts me today. On more emo/rainy days, i am still wondering if what I feel is normal. Or should I just accept the fact that I have already moved on as humanly possible and that I will never be the same again because I am scarred and always will be?

On other instances, I cannot comprehend why I am such a laggard in life where I see many of my peers achieving financial independence and blissful relationships or even more, marriages (damn! I am seriously at THAT age) while I am still left lingering on uncertainty in various aspects of my life! Am I really so bad? But hey, I can't be comparing myself to every Tom, Dick and Harry or should I say Tina, Desiree and Sally? LoL.

But for being such an insignificant little spec on the face of the universe - I sure have alot of issues beyond my comprehension! I kinda felt that way the day Eu Jin bought the few of us up to Ampang Lookout Point and I was so engrossed staring out at the nightlights - twinkling from the distance, imagining if each twinkle was to represent the life of some stranger. If merely looking out from a distance at Ampang Lookout can reduce KL city to an intricate mass of lights, how can anyone's issue possibly be larger than life?

The view from Ampang Lookout Point.

And I have come to the conclusion that the deepest of my incomprehension always stems from the loss of someone close by. The loss of anyone, by any means at all - is surely to gouge out a piece of us (be it large or small), and it hurts. Is this another point where I should say that losing someone is a form of growing up? How many incomprehensible losses have I gone through already? How many more are there to come? Questions questions, so many questions with no solid answers.

I will never understand why some people are the way they are. And I have finally realized that sometimes in this roller coaster ride that we call Life - there are some things that would occur beyond our comprehension and understanding, and there is little that we can really do about it, except acceptance.

But acceptance does not come easy to me without understanding. *sighs* Interestingly though, Devil (the earlier mentioned movie) highlights that we should simply take responsibility for our actions. Because we are always exactly where we are due to our own choices and decisions. (Now you see why I'm so riveted by that movie? It casts such a simple title to portray a simple message but wow, its a strong message indeed). This reflects that we are not really responsible for anyone else's actions except for our own. Hence, understanding is not necessarily required for us to be free from the Devil.... except for acceptance, be it in the form of unwavering faith or forgiveness.

Well that is my interpretation at least. But it helps me in my current predicament where I seek, almost desperately for acceptance. Acceptance for the things that I cannot control, for the things that I cannot change so that I may be a person worthy of all the love around me, as cliché as that sounds. Okay, maybe I should just end this post here before it becomes any longer of an emotic, rambling post!

I would like to close with a deliciously suave quote I have managed to dig from my Tai Poh's Window's Messenger page while rummaging through it awhile ago. Apparently she got it from Hitch the movie.

"Never lie, steal, cheat, or drink. But if you must lie, lie in the arms of the one you love. If you must steal, steal away frombad company. If you must cheat, cheat death. And if you must drink, drink in the moments that take your breath away. - from the movie Hitch -"

Ice Kacang Puppy Love

Ice Kacang Puppy Love... a movie produced by singer Ah Niu is a definitely a must watch in my book for any self-respectable Malaysian! Filled with Malaysian Chinese culture and virtues, it brings a warm glow of reminiscence to the things that truly define us. From the wooden slippers that we so fondly wear to the kopitiam cups that we still love to drink from... Ice Kacang Puppy Love hits its title on the head with a romance comedy plot that kept me and my parents entertained from the begining till the very end. Bravo, Malaysian production!

Age is and has always been, just a number

...And a brand new year has just come. Welcome 2011, goodbye 2010.

Is it me or just the person in the reflection of the mirror, where I see more fine lines across my face. Crows feet when I laugh, and the deepened crevices across my face? Perhaps I am just over scrutinizing myself, or perhaps I am just being overly critical (as every normal girl should be) but I can't help realizing the other effects of age. For example, seven hours of sleep does not seem sufficient daily. Eight to nine seem to be required for Mizmanda to be fully functional.

And I also realized other differences. I used to be able to scour the whole of One Utama during the daytime, and to drive to the Curve or Ikano to walk around at night without skipping a beat. Where my mom would complain that she doesn't feel like going out after a few hours at a mall. This time around, I realize that I am beginning to feel exactly the same way. The horrors of finding out that you will eventually turn out like your mom is now a side issue, its severity offset by the horrors of finding out that your body is undergoing changes due to the effects of age!

Okeh okeh.... maybe I am over-dramatizing a leetleee bit. But hey, the year you turn twenty five, with heck loads of friends and acquaintances getting married (some getting kids, goodness gracious) i think i have rights to over-dramatize!

Nevertheless, 2010 was an eventful year for me. It was filled with truckloads of drama, soul searching moments, moments of absolute clarity and also moments of doubt and confusion. I suppose it was also a year where it finally dawned on me, exactly where I want to be and why.

2010 was a year where friendship was lost and made. New friends found, and certain things broken and mended over... leaving scars on relationships that would probably take more than a couple of years to fully conceal.... But it was definitely a year of learning and maturation for one and all involved.

Turning twenty four.

I love you guys too.

But 2010 is more than just a year of turning twenty four for me. It is more than a year of living abroad. It is more than learning from the experiences thrown my way. It was also the year where I finally found my way somewhere roughly at the end, where I really wanted to be despite everything.

Oh, don't get me wrong. There are still many areas of my life which I am still unduly lost in. I am still lost when it comes to trusting love in relationships. Lost in terms of where exactly I am headed. But at least I found exactly where it is I want to be.... and finding my way in that, is worth every bit of 2010.

A toast to 2011. May this be a year filled with answered prayers and merry laughter, for one and for all.